A Perfectly Normal Story
by Kairi Uzeniba
Summary: The polar opposite of the title. Unless you call worshipping mushrooms and wrestling over pudding skin normal. Lots of crossovers from a lot of things, but it doesn’t matter because it still wouldn’t make sense anyway. Rated higher for different reasons.
1. Then God Made Cheese, and it was Good

Chapter 1

Then God Made Cheese, And It Was Good

"OH NO, A MUSHROOM! EVERYONE HIDE!" Sasuke yelled.

"A MUSHROOM? WHERE DID YOU FIND IT?" Sakura yelled back.

"IN SUPER COOL LEE'S UNDERWEAR DRAWER!"

"WHY WAS IT THERE?"

"BECAUSE I PUT IT THERE!" Naruto grabbed the mushroom and ate it in one bite.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! THAT MUSHROOM WAS SACRED!"

"BUT PUDDING, SASUKE! PUDDING!"

"Well you have a point there." Sakura exploded. Again. For the 7,896th time. In one day. Ino walked up.

"OH MY GOD SAKURA EXPLODED!" Ino exploded. Again. For the 7,896th time in one day. Just like Sakura. TenTen walked up.

"OH MY OD SAKURA AND INO EXPLODED!" TenTen exploded. For the 7,896th time in one day. Just like Sakura and Ino. Then they reappeared only to explode again. Then the same thing happened over and over until 2 hours elapsed. While they were exploding, the following events happened. Kakashi threw potatoes at them. Anko threw eggplants at them. Kakashi and Anko started making out. Asuma got drunk and turned into a cabbage on accident. Jiraiya threw porn at them. The appetizer (from Spongebob) attacked. Then, after the 2 hours, suddenly they heard,

NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH

**BATMAN!**

Then Batman exploded. (Inspiration from Pure Randomness) Exactly 667,371,284,857,837,057,312,938,077 people threw melons at the nearby tree.

"WTF! Choji farted!" TenTen screamed.

"YES I DID! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Pudding skin."

"DID YOU SAY PUDDING SKIN! GIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMMEGIMME

GIMMEGIMME!" TenTen begged.

"NO! IT'S MINE!" They started wrestling and turned into cabbages on accident. Just like Asuma. Kurenai walked up.

"WTF! OMFG! What the hell just happened?" Asuma came back to life.

"Kurenai," A maestro appeared. "I love you, I love you, Kurenai"

"Come on Asuma, quit fiddling around and let's hit first base!" They started making out. A guy with long blond hair came.

"You look like Leaf Garret!" Sakura obnoxiously pointed out.

"You know, a lot of people tell me that, but Leaf Garret used to be a girly man, but now he looks like a hobo."

"He does."

"I LOVE THE 70S!" Naruto sang.

"Gimme some Nair! Gimme some Nair!" Ino begged.

"Now in 3 delicious flavors." Kakashi talked.

"I advertise, too!" Choji said as he reappeared.

"What do you advertise?"

"Hell's Gum! Hell's Gum has the delicious flavor of rancid milk, plus, when it sticks to you for 30 minutes or more, the horrific stench will kill you. Isn't that great!"

"Yeah!"

"Who said that?" Sasuke asked.

"Chili is gooood!"

"Oh, you're the Ham Sandwich Man."

"Yes!" Fred Fred Burger replied.

"But, why?" Anko weeped.

"Cuz I said so!" Ino said. She Z-snapped.

"Hey wait a minute, how does the author know about a bunch of this stuff?" What, you mean me? "Yeah!" Hello? I've watched I Love the 70s volume 1 & 2, duh! (P.S., Sakura is nagging me, bitchin' about all this crap.) "Hey! You shut up, bitch!" Then Sakura committed suicide. Anyway, the Ham Sandwich Man started flirting with Anko. Anko tricked him into swallowing a grenade.

"My name is Fred Fred Burger! Fred Fred Burger! Yes." A squirrel monkey rodent thing made a chocolate pie.

"I still want that Nair!" Ino yelled while starting to throw a temper tantrum.

"Dude, most people don't even know what Nair is. I don't think anyone sells it anymore." Said the Ham Sandwich Man.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I WANT NAIR!"

"Do you even know what Nair is?"

"No. But I want it anyway! Gimmegimmegimmegimmegimmegimme!" she whined as Britney Spears shot her down with a machine gun.

"Welcome to Hamburger Heaven, may I take your order?" the take-out guy asked.

"Do **you** know what Nair is?" Ino asked.

"Um, yeah, my mom said it's stuff that removes hair and it hurts like hell."

"Oh. Gimmegimmegimmegimmegimmegimmegimme!" Hey wait a minute. I thought Britney Spears just shot her down with a machine gun. Fine, The Cheat ate her. Back to the story.

"Moooooooom! Ham burger's are invading Canada, what should I do?" Sakura whined.

"I don't know, do whatever it is kids do these days."

"Vote for Pedro!" Naruto yelled.

"I WANT TOTS! Heh, tater tots, that is. Not the other way…" Kakashi said.

"Do the chickens have large talons?" Sasuke asked. Alright, enough Napolean Dynamite.

"Fish don't have feelings son, they're made of foam latex." The Ham Sandwich Man said.

"Woah, woah, woah, wait a minute. You have a son?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah, 5 sons and 6 daughters, why?" Everyone stared. "Yeah, my wife the Turkey Sandwich Woman, my daughters the Salami Sandwich Girl, the Egg Salad Sandwich Girl, the Tuna Sandwich Girl, the Nutella Sandwich Girl, the Club Sandwich Girl, and the Turkey Sandwich Girl Jr. And, my sons the Bologna Sandwich Boy, the Ham Sandwich Boy Jr., the Hamburger Boy, the Cheeseburger Boy, and the Rancid Sandwich Boy." Everybody stared some more.

"THE MEANING OF LIFE IS CHUCK NORRIS AND THE ANSWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION IS 42!" Kiba screamed.

"She's a brick, (nuh nuh nuh nuh) hoooouuuuse. She's mighty, mighty, lettin' it all hang out, yeah she's a brick-"

"I like nachos! Nachos! Yes." Fred Fred Burger announced proudly.

"Hey, um, Naruto was singing, about someone…" Hinata said quietly.

"You're pretty. But you don't look like my mom. Oh, sometimes, my mom bakes me cookies, and sometimes, she bakes me peanut butter bars, and sometimes, she doesn't bake me anything. Yes." Fred Fred Burger said.

"Dolphin turds are planning to take over the world, and you knew it all long!" Naruto accused Orochimaru.

"Heh heh heh…… No, it's not dolphin turds, you naïve poop, the Teletubbies!"

"Terror Tubbies is a video game created at Cyber Camps." Sasuke said.

"Silence, childish dropping! The Teletubbies will strike, and no weapon will protect you-"

"From her ugly face! You'll turn to stone!"

"Be quiet, shit! You can get tanks, jonin armies, unite all the kages, and nothing will work. They have one secret, and there's not enough time for you to figure it out-"

"Yes!" Fred Fred Burger interrupted.

"SHUT UP! Anyways, like I said, nothing will help. You will all die-"

"Would you give it a rest! I've known the secret all along, and been waiting to use it!" Ten Ten announced.

"No! There's no way you could have known about the attack, or the secret!"

"Yes, there is! And the secret is-"

Can't let it all happen in one chapter, right? ANTICIPATION!


	2. The Secret

Just a note, if you read this, review it!

Chapter 2

The Secret

"Yes, there is! And the secret is the author's 2 bandanas, 1 pink and 1 purple!"

"No it isn't. It's Teen Girl Squad. Oh, SHIT!"

"Haha! The bandanas are the only thing in the world that anyone could have said to make you spill the beans!" So the whole invasion stopped.

"Well, what are you waiting for Kakashi? Touch 'em!" Anko said. Nah, forget that.

"Ham is the way to go!" Kakashi said.

:Important News Bulletin:

Nair still exists! I saw a commercial! Why, God? Why!

:End:

"I can do it! I can do it 9 times!" The Ugly One said, even though her mouth was about 10x bigger than usual. She started slapping Naruto. He tricked her into swallowing a grenade. Just like Anko.

"Time to summarize the plot of the Roman Mysteries book series quickly! There'sagirlnameFlaviaGeminaandshehad3friendsonenamedNubiawhoatfirstisherslaveJonathandeMordecaiherneighborandLupusthemutebeggarboyandtheysolvemysteriesandstufflikethatok.?o.k."

"You are his cheeseburger, his lovely cheeseburger, he'll wait for you-oo, oh, he'll wait for you-oo, oh-"

"The Ultimate Chili Cheese Dog guitar with an entire brown paint coat and a whammy bar!" Kiba screamed.

"Whatever happened to Robot Jones!" Sakura asked obnoxiously. Hey, wait a minute, I killed her! Kankuro farted at her and she dies of the horrible fumes.

"Hirai-kotsu! Boomerang bone!" the Bear screamed.

"No, no, no! That's Sango, she's in Inu-Yasha, you odd-smelling pajamas!" Anko criticized. "It's Luffy you're supposed to be impersonating! In 3…2…1… go!"

"Takkun? Where are you, chief?"

"Cut, cut, cut! Don't you know the difference between Mamimi (from FLCL, fooly coolly) and Luffy! Alright, let's try this again. 3…2…1… go!"

"Fist of nose hair, school daze graduation!"

"Cut! Look, maybe you should go for a smaller role, I mean, Luffy is the lead role. I think you should give GIR a try. 3…2…1… go!"

"Cows are my friends."

"Cut! That was terrific! I'll get back to you about this later. Expect a phone call. Next!" The Ham Sandwich Man stepped onstage.

"Now, we need you're name, role you're hoping to receive, phone #, address, and shoe size, don't ask."

"I'm The Ham Sandwich Man, I'm trying out for Princess Peach, phone # is 111-222-333-444-555-666-777-888-999, I live on 626 Ultra Poop Apt. # 6785, and my shoe size is size 5673."

"O.k., show us whatcha got."

"Grrrrreat!"

"Um, are you sure you're not looking for the Tony the Tiger role?"

"Well, I'm actually looking for-" Hey, wait a minute! It's not random anymore! I'll have to wait for the next chapter for inspiration.


	3. It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

WARNING: I MAKE FUN OF A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THIS CHAPTER. PLEASE DON'T FLAME ME. IF YOU DO, I'LL SEND YOU A PERSONAL MESSAGE THAT MAKES YOU FEEL STUPID, AND TRUST ME, IT WILL.

Chapter 3

It's Peanut Butter Jelly time!

"O.k., the results are in. Luffy will be played by Camp Counselor Shortshorts,

Princess Peach will be played by Kurenai, GIR will be played by the Bear, Tony the Tiger will be played by Naruto, and the 2 lovers will be played by Natalie and Tompkins…."

:Important News Bulletin:

#1:Natalie is a brat who used to go to my school.

#2:The play will not be acted out in this fanfiction because then it wouldn't be random anymore. Instead, it shall be made into another fanfiction, and make sure to skip the introduction chapter if you know what happened.

:End:

"A URINATION BREAKDOWN, IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME! HAVIN' ANOTHER BREAKDOWN, I'M GOIN' INSANE!" The Ham Sandwich Man sang and then he drowned in pee.

"But, but, I, but, butt eye butt, poorepoo!"

"Bathroom humor goes in the bathroom," Sakura said as some random girl flushed her down the toilet.

"Kabuto helmet, Kabuto helmet, Kabuto helmet, Kabuto helmet, Kabuto helmet, Kabuto helmet, Kiba fang, Kiba fang, Kiba fang, Kiba fang, Naruto fishcake,

Naruto fishcake, Naruto fishcake, Naruto fishcake, Naruto fishcake, Naruto fishcake, Sakura cherry blossom, Sakura cherry blossom, Sakura cherry blossom, Sakura cherry blossom, Sakura cherry blossom, Sakura cherry blossom, Ino pig, Ino pig, Ino pig, Ino pig, Ino pig, Ino pig, Ino pig, Choji butterfly, Choji butterfly, Choji butterfly, Choji butterfly, Choji butterfly, Choji butterfly, Kakashi scarecrow, Kakashi scarecrow, Kakashi scarecrow, Kakashi scarecrow, Kakashi scarecrow, Kakashi scarecrow-"

"Why are you saying the meanings of people's names multiple times?" Sakura asked. But no one replied.

"Did you know that the person who made Bo- Bo Bo, Yoshio Sawai, his/her teacher is Rumiko Takahashi, the person who made Inu-Yasha?"

"Lasso those waffles! Come on! You can do it! Don't drop the rope from rope burn- oh, too late. Well, get the rope off your foot, quick! No, hold onto the window sill! No! Oh well." Naruto said.

"What the hell was that all about?" Sasuke asked.

"Gingivitis."

"What?"

"It was about gingivitis. You know, the horrible gum disease that ends up giving your gums the feeling and taste of chocolate pudding?"

"Oh that. I got that a while ago. But Sakura stuck her tongue in my mouth and took it."

"Oh, too bad." Michael walked in along with me.

"Sold! To the young lady named Michael! You get a lifetime supply of Coco Puffs!" I yelled.

"Coco Puffs?" he yelled as he started jumping everywhere. "Ilovecocopuffsi'mcoocooforcocopuffswherearetheyaretheyinmycar-" And then the scene ended. That was just reinacting a scene from my life.

"Time for true and always will be true news." Kakashi said.

"Ooh! Tell me!" Naruto yelled like a 5 year old.

"Alright, it's true that Roger Rabbit got drunk at a bar and that's the only reason he met Jessica Rabbit. So what's the morel of the story?"

"Alcohol is the answer to all our problems?"

"No, but close. Boogers and oranges were meant to go together."

"Aw man, that was my second choice…"

"Shit-AKI MUSHROOMS DON'T KILL ME MOMMY!"

"Huh? What was that all about?"

"This next song is dedicated to my poopaw, Engelbert Humperdink. He got beat up in preschool and he never found love. Oh, say, can you see, by the hamburger pie-"

"YASSA WASSA!"

"Um, jumpsuits are people too!" Lee said. (Just saying, Lee is awesome, but I'm insulting everyone.)

"Gooooooooooooooooooopypoopy! Gaara yelled.

"Gaara! Little brother! Did you wet the living room rug again?" Temari asked. He hung his head in shame.

"Damnit Gaara, I told you, don't take those drinks from strangers! They make you too regular!" Kankuro cricized.

"But they're not strangers, they're Neji, Kiba, and Naruto."

"You know not to trust them, they wet themselves so often their houses so often their flooded! Now you're cleaning it all up, understand?" He nodded. "Man, father Kazekage isn't gonna be happy…"

"Are Naruto, Neji, and Kiba really house-wetters?" TenTen asked. She started toward Neji's house.

"Um, TenTen I don't really think it's necessary to-"

"Why not?"

"Because…I…wasn't expecting company, and-" TenTen opened the door and an ocean of urine flew out and polluted land and sea. But I pressed Apple Z and it all went backward.

"….so then the starfish put the tea bag in the bowl!" A laugh track sounded.

"Rambo, Fabio, Chickens-in-the-, um, I LIKE BAGELS!" A beaver erupted from the ground and landed on all fours.

"Now that's a smelly cat." Naruto said. The Beaver stood on it's hind legs and put it's hand to it's chest.

"Smelly cat! Smelly cat! What have they been feeding you?" Kankuro returned from forcing Gaara to clean up his pee.

"I'm a Lumber Jack and I'm o.k., I sleep all night, and I work all day!"

"He's a lumber jack and he's o.k., he sleeps all night and he works all day!"

A chorus including Naruto, Jiraiya, and Kakashi sang.

"I dress in women's clothing, and then go out to bars!"

"He dresses in women's clothing? And sometimes goes to bars?" The Beaver ate Kankuro. Kankuro's nutrients transformed the beaver into a mutant beaver with even bigger claws, spikes emerging from it's back, razor sharp teeth, and a Sunday hat. It could talk now, too.

I'm going to destroy you all!"

See ya next time! What will happen? Oh the suspense! By the way, Jiraiya the Senin, you're Speedo bathing suit is at TenTen's house, she said, and I quote, "That was an incredible night, shmoopsipoo, and I need you to come pick up your Speedo, and give me back the pair of underwear of mine that you were wearing and make out with me." Unquote


	4. The Number You've Reached

Chapter 4

The Number You've Reached is Doing Things…Horrible Things…

"I'm going to destroy you all!"

"Uh-oh. Guess I'll have to cancel all my Underwear Cleaning Classes." Temari said.

"And I'll have to cancel all my Armpit Sniffing Classes." Sakura said.

"Sing Tra la la la la la la la, The sun may never ever shine-"

"42ND STREET!" Sasuke screamed. Everyone stared.

"Sasuke kun…" Sakura and Ino said in unison. "We didn't know…that you were so addicted to theater!"

"Well, the truth is I memorize scripts for a living in an alternate universe…"

"Hey! That's not funny! Well I know you're going to be upset, but unfortunately we have to force you 3 to flush yourselves down the toilet. Bye! Don't forget to floss!" A bunch of rabid, rabies-infested flunky chunks chased them down a toilet. A maniac in a speedo with a chainsaw mutilated a bunch of people.

"IGGINS!" Iggins shouted so loudly the Irken Armada heard and sent 500,000 donuts who like potatoes to Earth who ate all living life. But once again, I pressed Apple Z and it was all undone.

Please, I know this was the shortest chapter yet, but I really need Ideas! If you read this, review it and give me ideas! I'll take as many as I can, just give me ideas!


	5. This is the Musical Chapter! And Crack

Chapter 5

This is the Musical Chapter! And some crack.

Ino walked out in the smallest bikini in the world. It didn't even cover up that well.

"It was a, itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, purple polka-dot bikini, and now she has worn it for the first time, today! HEY!" Shikamaru sang.

"The less you wear, the more you need Nair!" Ino yelled so out of key the most of the land mines in the sea exploded. "Oh, and I used Nair on one leg, but then I ate the rest of it on accident, so I had to use a Venus razor. I'm your Venus, I'm your fire, your desire! (Thanks, Argles-chan! I told you Id work it in.)

"Do you know about potatoes?" Kakashi asked.

"Um, yeah." Everyone said.

"Well, I like them."

"Why?" Some snotty kid asked.

"I LIKE POTATOES, BECAUSE THEY LEND ME LOANS, HEY!"

"At Potato Loaning Agency! Atpotatoloaningagencythepotatoesareactuallytheteentitansinduisguise. Potato Loaning Agency! Where we do absolutely nothing for you!" Robin (from Teen Titans) walks in in a giant potato suit.

"Mommy, that guy is in a potato suit. Can I beat the crap out of him?"

"Sure honey." The little kid beat the crap out of Robin. (I don't really have anything against Robin, I just thought it was a good idea.)

**BOLD CAPS, I'M AWESOME! **

"You stole that line!" Kiba yelled.

**SO? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? I'M THE AUTHOR, AND I HAVE BOLD CAPS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA PUDDING SKIN. **

"DID YOU SAY PUDDING SKIN!" TenTen and Choji yelled.

**UH-OH. UM, TENTEN AND CHOJI WERE LAUNCHED INTO SPACE A PIG-A-PULT! **

"Do Pig-a-Pults really exist?" Kurenai asked.

**YES! KURENAI WAS HIT BY A LIGHTNING BOLT! I AM THE AUTHOR, NO ONE **(within this story) **CAN STOP ME- **Hey, why am I some evil dictator all of a sudden? I guess the power got to my head. TenTen, Choji, and Kurenai were zapped back to life. Wait a minute, Choji died again, he's too fat to be in this story.

**PLUM BABY! **Sorry, I had to do that. :P

"WHY YOU STICKIN' YOUR TONGUE AT ME, WOMAN!" The Ham Sandwich Man yelled.

"Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be at rehersal?" Kakashi asked.

"No, I got fired for smelling too bad. Isn't that great?"

**CRICKET! CRICKET!**

"Aren't crickets supposed to be quiet?" TenTen asked.

If you don't bring that up ever again I'll give you bold.

"Oh! Please? Please?"

But no bold caps o.k.? Just bold.

"Alright!" Here ya go.

"**Yay! I love you mommy!" **

Mommy? Who said I'm your mommy?

"**Uh-oh. Look at Neji." **Neji was twitching like mad.

"Crack……attack….crack…attack….crrrrrrACK ATTACK! **I STOLE TENTEN'S BOLD!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! INEEDCRACKINEEDCRACK I'M HAVING A SUPER DUPER CRACK ATTACK!" **

Super duper? That's one way to put it. I'd say ultra mega super humungo crack attack. Wait a minute, who gave Neji crack anyway?

There was silence…

"**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I found it in next to the hot tub." **

Um, Neji, that's not crack. Those are various chemicals used for hot tubs.

Everyone cringed.

"**Oh. Well, now I'm gonna throw up, right? **

Yeah.

Neji threw up all over Orochimaru's lair.

O.k. Neji, give me the bold.

"But, but I like it-" 

Neji, give it or I'll kill you off the story and I won't bring you back.

"NEVER! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!" 

I don't have to.

An anvil fell on Neji. Hey- what the- it missed!

"**I TOLD YOU, YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME! YOU CAN TRY, BUT YOU WON'T SUCCEED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'LL GO AND FIND REAL COCAINE AND I'LL SNORT IT UP MY NOSE!" **

Neji ran away.

**I discovered that I can use bold when chapters are over, too. THIS IS COOL! And I'd like to say, I hope JuevinileAngelLuver (the guy who's line I just copied, 'BOLD CAPS, I'M AWESOME!') isn't mad at me. Then he might never join my c2. Anyway, I'm not sure what gonna happen to Neji, so I need ideas. IF YOU READ THIS CHAPTER, REVIEW IT! Unless you're Flying Leaf. Then go away. Toodles! **


	6. WAFFLES! And Neji Getting Caught

**Yay! Bold before AND after chapters! OH YEAH! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this, cuz even after Neji's caught I'm gonna make another chapter IF and only IF people give me ideas. Enjoy! **

**Chapter 6**

**WAFFLES! Oh, and Neji getting caught. That too. **

"What are we gonna do about Neji?" Sakura asked while clinging to Sasuke's arm.

"Sakura, GET OFF OF ME!" Sasuke yelled while throwing Sakura into a tree where she'd be stuck for a while.

"I dunno, what to YOU think Sasuke-kun?" Ino asked while clinging to Sasuke's other arm.

"I think you should GET OFF OF ME!" Sasuke yelled while throwing her right next to Sakura. Sakura and Ino transformed into bunnies with razor sharp teeth and tried to kill each other.

"Hey, whatever happened to the giant mutant beaver with a Sunday hat that ate me?" Kankuro asked. Suddenly, the beaver erupted from the ground and stood on it's hind legs.

"Here I am! Now, where was I?"

"Helping us catch Neji and saving the world?"

"Hmm…I was thinking along the lines of eating a ham sandwich, but that's good enough for me! So what's the big plan?"

"We dunno. Maybe we should summon Luffy and Chopper." Anko said.

"Why Chopper?" Sakura asked from the tree.

"Cuz he's the only one who'll wash Luffy's feet. Tsunade! Can you please summon Luffy? You're the only person who has enough chakra. Naruto might, but he's a little busy." Naruto was rolling in the mud.

"Um, o.k." Tsunade did about 36 hand symbols in 5 seconds. A chicken wearing goggles fell out of the sky and barfed up a metal capsule. The chicken exploded into a puddle of liquidy pudding. (It really exists if you don't make it right.) The capsule turned into Luffy wearing a cape. A bunch of gnomes paraded from the cape and barfed on the ground. The vomit turned into a carpet. Luffy was talking to Chopper.

"….yeah, stupid old Kakashi, I used all his hot water, then threw some of his really rare porn out the window…" Kakashi was getting closer now. "…and I ate all his ramen, curry, and tofu, and I threw away some of his clothes, and I made out with his dog- oh. Hello Kakashi, how are you today?"

"Kakashi-sensei, even if Luffy did all these bad things, we need him. And he had the courage to make out with your dog. Luffy, can you help us?"

"What happened?"

"Neji ate some hot tub chemicals and stole TenTen's bold and is on a rampage looking for crack." There was silence.

"I know it sounds weird, but we need your help." Luffy was suddenly in a stereotypical ninja outfit and threw ninja stars at a nearby tree.

"Wait, are you a ninja or a pirate?" Naruto asked.

"I'm a puppet."

"What?"

"I'm a puppet. I'm a puppet used by Eciiro Oda to make people-"

"Nevermind! Will you help us?" He pondered.

"Only if I can make out with Kakashi's dog whenever I feel like it."

"What! Never!" A biscuit flew out of nowhere and hit him on the head.

"Alright."

"Thanks! That dog is a good kisser…"

**Look, I know this was another REALLY short chapter, but I only had one review of inspiration, so people, I NEED IDEAS. Otherwise it'll take me forever to continue! And also, I'd like to thank Sunstar333, cuz even though she (I think she's a she. She seems like it.) reviewed my other story, I decided to put some inspiration into this story instead. (i.e., I thought she was reviewing this story.) And, I copied some stuff from a TV show to make this chapter. The parts were: 1, the chicken wearing goggles barfing up a capsule, the rest I made up. 2, when Luffy's saying what he did to Kakashi, when he says, "…and I made out with his dog-oh." So yeah. But the rest is original! And people, I NEED IDEAS! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! Thank you. **


	7. Neji, IHOP, and a Herd of Llamas

**Chapter 7**

**Neji, IHOP, and a Herd of Llamas **

"O.k., let's find Neji!" Everyone jumped on Jelly Jiggler and rode toward where they thought Neji was. But they ended up in an IHOP instead. Some weird guy in a pancake suit hopped in front of them. He began to sing:

"Pancakes are fluffy, pancakes are white, but pancakes are crunchy if you don't cook them right!"

"Yay! I'm over Sasuke, I love you now, Mr. Pancake!" Sakura yelled.

"No way!" The pancake man ran away. Everyone walked into the IHOP.

"Hey there, ninjas, wanna try our new muffin samples? They're free."

"Ooh, I'll try one!" Naruto said. He took a piece of diced muffin on a toothpick. As he chewed, he grabbed all the other diced muffin chunks and ate them. "What is in these muffin chunks?"

"Proactiv."

"What!"

"Proactiv. You know, the cream that removes acne." Naruto stared at the one muffin chunk before him.

"Oh well." He ate the last muffin chunk.

"What'll you guys have?" They looked at the menu.

"Hmm…What the- puss pancake? What kind of IHOP is this?"

"Just a regular one. The classic International House Of Pimples."

"Oh. Well let's get out of here." Kakashi said. They were suddenly on a dusty trail.

"**A-HAH! THERE'S SOME CRACK!" **

"Neji's nearby." Anko said. They turned a corner. There was Neji.

"**DARN IT, IT'S JUST SALT!" **

"Neji! We found you!" Sasuke shouted.

"**HN? OH, IT'S YOU GUYS! BUT GUESS WHAT I FOUND?" **

"Salt?"

"**NO, GUESS _AGAIN." _**Everyone gasped.

"How did you find italics!" Luffy screamed.

"**HAH! NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW! UNLESS THEY FIND MY WEAKNESS, BUT THAT'S HIGHLY UNLIKELY!" **

"It wouldn't by any chance be that herd of llamas heading straight toward you?"

"**NO, OF COURSE NO- WHAT?" **The herd of llamas ran write into Neji and he melted.

**NOoo**oo…" Everyone stared at the large puddle of Neji.

"What should we do with it?" Sasuke asked.

"I know just what to do with it." Luffy said.

Later…

"Aah!" Neji screamed. He was being fed to cows.

**Yay! Neji got caught, but I want to make another chapter, but I'm not sure what to do! I need ideas, even if you've already reviewed this, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW! Thank you. Oh yeah, I'd also like to thank Argles-chan for the Pancake Song! Argles-chan created the jingle herself, you know. **


	8. Concrete Cow Patty

**Well, Neji is conquered, IHOP got arrested for selling puss, and the seagull finally learned to like fish. So what now? Well, I don't feel like making a sequel. I just don't. So, I'm gonna make this tickle your eyes. If you can do that. Anyway, READ!**

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Chapter 8 **

**Concrete Cow Patty **

Cows were milling around in their pasture. But evil lurked in the peaceful place. It was where the cow patties were. One of the cow patties just didn't belong. One of them was concrete. That just wasn't right. Neji _was _the concrete cow patty. And he would have his revenge.

"Sasuke-kun, how's the battle going?" Sakura asked. Sasuke was bleeding in 5 places.

"Guess."

"Well?" Sasuke threw a kunai at her head and headed toward the Second Aid room. If you don't know, however obvious it may be, a giant, flying, McDonald's that gives fat people cancer was attacking Konoha. Choji was suffering. Save Choji, fight McDonald's! Anyway, Konoha was losing. There are definitely more people who eat McDonald's cuz it's cheap then there are people who are signified ninjas in Konoha. So, guess what happens? The McDonald's stepped on a cow pie. Big whoop, right? Yeah, I know! But really, Konoha won because of it. But many were wounded. No one was dead, McDonald's doesn't do that. Often. But nothing would save them from what would happen next. He was 300 feet tall and made entirely made of concrete. And he had a Sunday hat.

**I know, extremely short, but I do have some things to say and some people to thank. First, I started school, so I will not be able to make new chapters as often as I do, which isn't even super often. So I can't make any promises, but I can say I'll write when I get time. I also must say I will have a semi-excuse for not writing that often. On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays I'm not allowed to go on my computer, watch TV or anything like that. Over Summer my mom was extremely lenient, but during the school year she said she won't be. **

**For the people I have to thank, first, I must say Argles-chan, you're a genius. You've given me 2 ideas and they've given me 3 or 4 reviews, I think. I don't know where you get your inspiration, or if you even get inspiration at all, but it's been working like a charm. I'd also like to thank Roddy Doyle, the author of The Giggler Treatment, it's a real book. It inspired me to mention the cow crap. And finally, Emeril Lagasi (sp?) because he gave me the idea for making it specificly a concrete cow crap when I saw a part of the episode where he made meringues that were flat, so they looked like _concrete _cow patties. Wow, then end is longer then the story.  Goodbye:P **


	9. Ooh, What Neji Gonna Do?

**Hello! I got some inspiration so I could make the next chapter! YAY!**

**Here we go. **

**Chapter 9**

**Ooh, What's Neji Gonna do? **

"**I'M BACK AND BLACK!" **It's true. Neji was a 300 feet tall, pitch black, concrete ninja wearing a Sunday hat. How he got pitch black, I know, it's only so he can literally be back and black. The song is good though, how could someone who's actually back and black be so evil? WAAH!

"**SHUT UP, AUTHOR! I HAVE A DATE WITH THE DESTRUCTION OF THE PEOPLE WHO DESTROYED ME!" **

"Ooh, she's a curvy one," Jiraiya said.

"Hey wait a minute, we didn't destroy you, the llamas did!" Naruto yelled.

**HAHAHAHAHA! NAÏVE FOOL! DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK I'M STUPID ENOUGH TO CHALLENGE THE LLAMAS! AAH, YOU'RE MORE NAÏVE THAN I THOUGHT!" **

"But we _didn't _challenge you! That's the problem!"

"**I WANNA DESTROY SOMETHING THOUGH, SO YOU'RE MY BEST BET-" **Woah, woah woah. My story is not random anymore. Let's put the scene in a giant marshmallow. That'll stir this story up.

"**POTATO, POTATO, TOMATO, TOMATO, LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF!" **Neji screamed at the top of his lungs.

"But why, oh why, must I fly, until I die?" Naruto asked.

"You see I, know why, that you, must fly, until you die," Kakashi replied.

"Why, oh why, must I fly, until I die?"

"Because I say so."

"But I-"

"I also know why, know why, know why, you must cry, and cry and cry."

"Why oh why-"

"**SHUT THE HELL UP! I WANT A HAM SANDWICH, AND I WANT IT NOW!" **Neji yelled.

"But which, oh which, is the hitch, for the sandwich?" Naruto asked.

"**WHAT? THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! WHY?" **

"Why, oh why-"

"**SHUT UP! DO YOU KNOW WHAT _I _WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP!" **

"Leader of alpaca mountain's zen and yoga club?" Sakura asked.

"**NO, THAT WAS LAST WEEK! NOW I WANT TO BE A-" **

"Oh, oh, let me guess! A giant rubber band?" Sakura asked once more.

"**NO." **

"Someone who eats the mutated broccoli?"

"**NO." **

"A crazy blanket master?"

"**NO." **

"I give up."

"**I WANT TO BE A PROFESSIONAL FART SNIFFER!" **There was a pause. And then a wave of laughter.

"Hahaha! Do you know how much training it takes to become a proffesional at that!" Ino laughed. "You have to start when you're 5 years old!"

"**BUT I DID! IT'S MY DREAM AND I'LL KEEP AT IT! WAAAAAAAHHHH!" **Neji jumped off of the marshmallow. But he didn't know the marsh mallow was floating in a giant abyss.

"So, what the morel of the story, kids?" Asuma asked.

"Never sheer sheep that you found in the backyard?"

"No, fruit bats are mammals!"

"That was my next guess…"

**Yay! Neji might come back, though. Either way, if you read this review it! And I NEED IDEAS! So even if you didn't like it, REVIEW IT! Flames do not affect me. And I'm proud of myself because NOTHING IN THIS CHAPTER WAS COPIED OR AND IDEA FROM SOMEONE! But anyway, REVIEW AND GIVE ME IDEAS! PLEASE! **


	10. The Giant Eggplant Named Henry

**Yo, people, I just wanna make one thing straight. REVIEW DAMNIT! Excuse me. Just enjoy. **

**Chapter 10**

**The Giant Eggplant named Henry Jacobs Likotiko Adam the XXXXII**

"Naruto, please pass the salt." Sakura said.

"Sure, Sakura. But can you pass the dead bees?" Neji erupted from the ground in the form of a 300 foot tall, pitch black, concrete, quarter –train, quarter-cat, quarter-Neji, and quarter muffin hybrid wearing a Sunday hat. He ate the salt.

"**HM, NOT CRACK." **He dived into Sasuke's hair. None of him was visible. Sasuke just sat there, frowning.

"**AHA! HERE'S THE CRACK, RIGHT HERE NEXT TO THIS PIECE OF GUM THAT'S AS TALL AS THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING, AND THIS FERRARI, AND THIS LLAMA, AND THIS- HEY WAIT A MINUTE, THIS ISN'T CRACK! IT'S DANDRUFF! YUMMY!" **He ate all the dandruff.

"That solves that problem. Now if only I could stop farting on the weekends." Sasuke said, relieved.

"**YOU FART ON THE WEEKENDS! I NEED IT AS MY NEXT PERFUME! I'VE MADE WET DOG, SMELLY RETAINER, AND FINGERNAIL JAM, BUT SASUKE FARTS WILL BE OFF THE CHARTS!" **

"Sorry Neji, but Sasuke can't. The poll results are in, and 98 of the people think Sasuke is really a magical farting camel. Is this true, Sasuke?" Kakashi said with curiousity.

"Well, what did the other 2 think?"

"They thought you were a naughty ninja nurse."

"Well, both are true, but I it's a long explination. You see, I lead more than one life. In one, I'm Sasuke. In another, I'm a magical farting camel. In another, I'm a naughty ninja nurse. In another, I'm William Shatner, and in another I'm Asuke (pronounced like Sasuke, but could be spelled Aske) Chuhiha, the creator of mega burpolicious soda."

"**OH! I DRINK THAT! IT TASTED LIKE- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT ARE THE INGREDIANTS!" **

"My hair."

"**NO WONDER IT TASTES THAT! DANDRUFFY GOODNESS! I BRING IT TO ALL MY PARTIES, AND ALL MY FRIENDS PARTIES!" **

"Wait, you have friends?" TenTen asked.

"**YEAH, MY FRIENDS CHUCK NORRIS, AND MY CUDDLY WUDDLY TEDDY BEAR, AND MRS. CHUMBUWUMBUFEEFAIFUMBOO. THEY LIKE TO EAT MASHED POTATOES, AND FRIED ELK, AND-" **

"Neeeeeeeeeejjjjjjiiiiii-kuuuuuuuuun! Oh Neji-kun? Where are you?"

"**UH-OH. IT'S MY WIFE. MAYBE SHE WON'T RECOGNIZE ME-" **

"There you are, Neji-kun! Our 5,326 children need advice."

"**UM, DEAR, TELL THEM I'M BUSY." **

"But they wanna know where babies come from!"

"**TELL THEM THE STORK!" **

"Fine, but we're getting another child then!"

"**RRG, I TOLD YOU WOMAN, I ONLY WANTED 3, BUT NOOOOOO, WE HAD TO GO WITH YOUR SIDE OF THE FAMILY AND TRY TO GET 6,000!" **

"Hey, I got used to having 5,999 other siblings, and it only took 10 years!"

"**WERE YOU OLDEST?"**

"No, I was the 3,654th."

"How did you 2 meet?" Sakura asked.

"Well, I was 5 years old-"

"5 years old? What the hell!" Sasuke yelled in a totally OOC manner.

"Well, how do you think we got 5,326 children already? But anyway, it was love at first sight, but if we wanted to go with my side of the family we'd have to get married and start you-know-whating right away!"

"**SO HIASHI AND HER FATHER, DAIBEN-UWABARI-" **

"That means shit-face in English."

"**AGREED TO LET US START. HER FAMILY IS SO DAMN BIG SHE DOESN'T KNOW A QUARTER OF HER AUNTS. BUT OF COURSE, THEY ALL WANTED TO COME TO THE WEDDING." **

"That was probably the most hellish wedding ever. We had to order 200 metric tons of cake!"

"**BUT OF COURSE, TO HAVE A FAMILY THAT BIG YOU HAVE TO BE RICH, AND HER FAMIILY IS." **

"But even being rich we my father Daiben-Uwabari, that just his first name, Daiben-Uwabari Nyou, nyou means urine, needed help from some relatives, his brother Akan-Daiben, useless shit, and his sister, Noroi-Daiben, stupid shit. "

"I'm sorry, but what is your name?" Kakashi asked.

"Well, my maiden name was Kuuki-Kashira Nyou, air-head urine. But now it's Kuuki-Kashira Hyuga. Oh, and Neji-kun, the twins Baka and Hakuchi were fighting with the other twins, Honoka and Oroka. Oh, and I had another set of quadruplets today, 3 girls and an eggplant, we talked about it yesterday, and I named the girls Iroppoi-Daiben, sexy shit, Shan-Daiben, beautiful shit, and Kakukaku-Daiben, glorious shit. I named the eggplant Henry Jacobs Likotiko Adam the XXXXII. Oh, and the eggplant is 8 feet tall."

"**WOAH, WOAH, ARE YOU SAYING ONE OF MY SONS IS AN EGGPLANT!" **

"Well duh, you didn't expect all the children to be human, did you? 50 of them are chairs, 23 are doorknobs, and 1 is even a moose. Well Neji-kun, you better get me pregnant again, we now have 5,330 children. I'm actually pregnant with quintuplets, but thanks to our doctor it doesn't take me 9 months to give birth, and I can have get pregnant while I'm already pregnant. Oh, and Neji-kun, I'm expecting another baby in an hour, and twins and triplets tomorrow. You're gonna have to shrink down though, otherwise it won't fit.

"**DAMNIT! I do ha**ve enemies to conquer later though, but I can't pass this up. Do you know how much I get to do it every day? It's awesome!"

They walked away. Everyone just stared and gaped for 5 hours. By then Neji had 5,331 children.

"Wow, usually mini-plots in this story are only a paragrph, but that one was 2 pages…" Shikamaru said slowly.

"TIME FOR A SEXY SHOE PARTY GUEST-STARRING A PIGEON!" Kurenai screamed. They partied for a day (by then Neji had 5,336 children) and then it rained kangaroos. Literally.

**Woah, that mini-plot was pretty long. But anyway, I'm thanking Argles-chan yet again, for dandruff-crack-doppleganger, and the idea for Sasuke being a magical farting camel, AND the soda being made of dandruff. But I must beg for forgiveness from Argle-chan, for I altered her idea a little bit. FORGIVE ME! And, if Argles-chan's ideas can appear in this story, so can yours! So FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND BUDDHA AND ANYOTHER HOLY FIGURES, GIVE ME IDEAS! It's not easy coming up with total nonsense whenever you write. And, check out the Meekers' profile for her story that was inspired by my story, I've yet to check it out. Toodles! **


	11. You Look Flabby in the Moonlight

**Sorry for the long wait, let's get to the chapter! But first, Meekers didn't actually make the fic based off of this fic, sorry! Now let's get to it!**

**Chapter 11**

**How Flabby You Look in the Moonlight **

"Hinata?" Naruto asked.

"Yes, Naruto?"

"Will you come out on the balcony with me?"

"Of course." She stepped out onto the balcony in her gown made of meat, with Naruto in his suit made of penguins. He held her hand, and chomped on it.

"You know Hinata, you don't know how flabby you look in the moonlight. It's very flabby indeed."

"Oh don't even! You look like a disgusting hideous beast!"

"You're just saying that, my tropical turd." There was a pause. They started making out and fell off the edge. Everyone gave them pheasant for no apparent reason. So really, they threw dead pheasants over the edge of the balcony.

"Next time, on Poopy Paradise, meet Mr. Owl's 3rd cousin's, half-brother's, roommate, who is Twiggy's roomate's, half-brother's, 3rd cousin. And then the Green Giant's-" Kakashi said.

"I hate to interrupt, but I have no interest whatsoever."

"WHO SAID THAT!" Naruto asked in a Kyuubi voice. There was a pause. Then an evolution cycle was shown on a random screen.

"In the beginning, the only life on earth was tiny amoebas, and the only reason they reproduced is because they had sexual intercourse on accident-"

"On Fanfiction we call it lemons! LEMONS!" Sasuke yelled. He used the chidori on the TV and it exploded.

"You do realize that TV was gonna be your foster mother." Tsunade said. Sasuke froze. He began to vibrate uncontrollably. And then he exploded in an atomic explosion. They all made a break for it and some jumped in the sea. Which was in a bottle. It looked like this:

SEAWATER

CHERRY

ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS

And the nutrition facts looked like this:

1000 oz. SODIUM

1000000000000 lbs. EVERYTHING ELSE

200000 g. SALT

700 lbs. HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP

But everyone was safe if they weren't in the sea-in-a-bottle. Miroku appeared.

"What are you doing here? You're not in Naruto. You're in Inu-Yasha." Shikamaru criticized.

"Rr, I have to ask someone something is all." He said giving his innocent look. The perverted monk went up to Kakashi and whispered in his ear,

"Hey, can you teach me that 1000 years of pain thing? Cuz I really wanna know." Kakashi took an hour to explain it all to Miroku while everyone else told campfire stories about penguins that wear jeans and Sunday hats, IN THE SAME OUTFIT. Blecgh, fashion is for prissies. But anyway-

"Hey, don't call me a prissy!" Narutina (female Naruto) said, offended. He- rr, she was wearing a pink dress with a flower in the middle, a purple Sunday hat, Valentino high heel shoes (I only know about Valentino from my parents, I'm not into fashion) a yellow purse, and ruby red lipstick. All the guys raised their eyebrows and smiled. Kiba ran up to him-her and kissed his- I mean her hand.

"Please, bear my child."

"THAT'S MY LINE!" Miroku screamed while swinging from a vine in a Tarzan suit.

"Hey, it's not my fault I wanna do it with a hot chick." Kiba said, confused.

"IT'S LEMONS! LLLLLLLEEEEEEEEMMMMMMOOOOONNNNNSSSS!" Miroku screamed while jabbing Kiba with his staff of religious charms. Out of nowhere, Kiba went flying backwards into a tree. It's like, the Terminatress, or something.

"Oh dear," Narutina said while Shino humped his-her leg.

"Ooooooooh, he wants to do the naaaaasty business with you." Ino said like Cleveland from Family Guy.

"Do you know, the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man…" Shino sang while humping Narutina's leg.

"Please stop," Narutina asked. Shino stopped. He then stood up and held Narutina's hands in his.

"I must be pious to Aburame clan. Marry me and has at least 15 kids with me. Please. I'll hump your leg whenever you want." He pleaded.

"Well, maybe, but kiss me first." In slow motion their lips got closer. And closer. Closer. Stop! Hammer time! Can't touch this started playing. Everyone got down with their bad selves. And then a herd of rhinos crushed them all.

**Yay, leg-humping! Sorta. This chapter was sorta mature. Sorry if you don't know who Miroku is. Arigato, minna!**


	12. Rambo and the 3 Demented Apples

**Hello! Sorry, I take WAY too long to update, and I admit that, but it's here now, right? Alright, let's get started!**

**Chapter 12**

**Rambo and the 3 Demented Apples **

Rambo ripped apart the deer with his feet. But then Shikamaru, naked aside from a small loincloth and a cape made of human hair.

"SHAKALAKA DING-DONG, SPIDERMONKEY WING-WONG! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Shikamaru threw a spear made of asprin at Rambo.

"Uh-oh. No more flan babies for breakfast." Rambo turned into a bunny and ran off.

"I thought so," Shikamaru said, a little full of himself. But then…out of the hockey guy's sweatshirt…came something so horrible, that it eats steak for breakfast and cereal for cantalope 5000………………it's………………Some time soon………………..

Dude, that was cool. I'm not sure if it turned up on fanfiction correctly. If there are a bunch of lines below the chapter, it was an accident. Back to the story!

Its……………. Mr. Sister!

There was a pause. And then a roar of applause so loud it broke the sound barrier. If you can do that…oh well! Mr. Sister came onto the stage. Ground. Whatever. Mr. Sister is a guy who has a 50s magenta hairstyle. He has pink irises. Is it irises? Whatever the eye color is. Anyway, Mr. Sister ate a PB & J sandwich. And then he left.

"YAY, APPLE TURNOVERS!" Kakashi shouted.

"But….I ate them……." There was a pause. Kakashi got amnesia.

"Who am I? Why do I exist?" Neji came back.

"**YOU WERE BORN TO SERVE ME!" **

"But you're younger than me."

"**WHY DO YOU EXIST!" **

"Peanuts."

"**EITHER WAY, YOU MUST COME WITH ME!" **

"O.k."

Uh-oh, Kakashi joined Neji. What will happen? Come back next time


	13. Kakashi and Neji

**Welcome back! I'm sorry I haven't been making quick updates, but I'm managing about 9 fics right now. (1 is complete.) Enjoy!**

**Chapter 13**

**Kakashi And Neji **

"What are we gonna do?" Ino asked.

"Hmm…undead Ino…Kakashi joining Neji…there's only 1 option!" undead Sasuke said.

A Little Later…

"Oh evil Neji and Kakashi, please accept our undead sacrifice, Ino!" Naruto shouted at Neji, who was in a Pharoh outfit.

"Hm…Well, I think that I want a giant potato bug named Fred instead. He'd make a nice stew…." Neji said, rubbing his chin.

"But, I already made his cousin Fredinalamakashaweenbudduhming in a beef stew 100,000,000,000.999999999987654939291 days ago." There was a pause. But then Sakura was launched into the air and exploded like a firework.

"Oh thank God…" many people mumbled. Others cried at the beauty of the firework and began making out with random people.

"PoopMccacacakacacacakacacacakakakakccckkkaaaaaaaaabacon." Kakashi announced proudly. Neji began drooling at a randomly placed piece of rotten bacon. He began making out with it.

"Oh, baconetta…(slurp)…you're fuzzy with mold…(licks the bacon's face)…I'm sorry, wife and 5,428 children…(humps the bacon)…but I must get it on with this bacon and see if our reproductive systems work together…if you know what I mean…" Neji said, beginning to take off his clothes.

"Uh-oh. Alright children, time to go see grandma." Kakahsi said, guiding everyone away from the half-naked Neji.

"Not again…" Kakashi said once everyone was away from the now completely naked Neji.

" Not _again?!?!?_ You mean he's done this _before?!?!?!_" said TenTen who randomly appeared out of nowhere. TenTen is cool. But Rock Lee is cooler. That's what I say.

"-sigh- he does this every couple of minutes. But he'll do it to different things. Like a can of beans or a lump of tuna mixed with belly-button lint."

Muffin…

Naruto turned into Narutina. Shino's eyes were replaced with hearts. He ran up to her and held her hands.

"Oh, Narutina. Won't you be mine? When I look at your eyes, I see a goddess who rules over love and beauty. Let me kiss you and see what that feels like." Shino kissed her quickly this time, deeply and passionately. Everyone gasped.

"I'll get the plungers…" said Sasuke, who was reborn as Sakura, who in duisgise was Sasuke, who was really a potato bug named Fred, who's really Aske Chuhiha, who we already know is Sasuke. Narutina stared into Shino's eyes. She kissed his nose. And then stuck her tongue up his nose.

"Oh Narutina…that kiss felt like kissing heaven itself. And your tongue up my nose feels like breathing in the most fragrant, gooey smell in the world. Won't you be mine?" Narutina stopped kissing his nose and said,

"Yes, Shino. I will become Narutina Aburame. But I am half-boy, mind you." (Naruto is like Ranma! Sorry, a lot of you don't even know who Ranma is…) Shino handed Narutina a ring made of pure…um…you really don't wanna know. If I told you you'd be officially a bean named Fred. If your name is already Fred, your name would be Motorcycle McClintock.

"I don't care, Narutina! I love you too much and your breasts are too-"

**HOLD IT HOLD IT!!!!!!!!!**

**THAT LAST SENTENCE MENTIONED BREASTS.**

**IF YOU HAVE EATEN AT LEAST ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, YOU MUST NOW KEEP READEING!!!**

**YES, A HARSH PUNISHMENT, BUT IT SERVES THE CRIME.**

(Rewind sound.)

"…too big and round for me not to want to hug you, kiss you, and go all the way-"

**HOLD IT!!!!!!!!!!**

**ONCE AGAIN, THIS FIC HAS MENTIONED SOMETHING.**

**THAT SOMETHING IS "GOING ALL THE WAY."**

**NOW YOU MUST-**

"Shut up!" Yelled the male Naruto who threw a rock at me. "Back to where we were."

(Rewind sound.)

"…way, and to have 15, beautiful little children, most of which will get good grades, the others bad. But we will reprimand them, and congratulate each other after ward, and-"

"Shino, you're talking too much. Let's just get married. Yes, I'll marry you, and we'll live in a cottage by the sea and have breakfast and kisses in bed and all that crap, but first me must wed, and wed we shall-"

"HOLD IT!!!!!!" Neji screamed. "You copied part of that from a play! And- wait a minute." He stared at the newly-returned TenTen. He fell in love with her again. Neji's wife, Kuuki-Kashira, came over, so pregnant she was in a wheelchair being wheeled around by her new boyfriend.

"Neji, you're not rich enough and don't spend enough time with me or the kids. I'm sorry, but-"

"Wait a minute. I left for 15 minutes, Kuuki-Cookie!" Suddenly, Kuuki-Kashira disappeared. Some guy in a suit walked up to Neji.

"Ahem. Are you Hyuga Neji?"

"Yes."

"My name is Pudding McGoopgoop. Don't let the name fool you, I'm not really a captain."

"Wait…wha?"

"Nevermind. I'm here to tell you that Kuuki-Kashira, her family, and your kids never really existed. They were all a creation of virtual reality created by someone you know quite well." Neji stared.

"It was Hiashi, wasn't it?"

"No, all Hiashi Hyuga did was pay for all the equipment."

"Who was doing all this?" Neji asked, confused. Pudding took out an index card from his card.

"Does the name Maito Gai ring any bells?" Everyone stared. Neji bursted out laughing.

"Gai-sensei is such a comedian…" Neji said, wiping a tear from his eye. Everyone else looked very confused and others looked worried.

"Well, bye then." said Pudding, who jumped in a randomly placed abyss of snakes.

"Now then. TenTen!" Neji said, shrinking down and holding one of her hands. He lightly kissed the hand. "I have fallen in love with you once more. And now I politely ask you to marry me and be my queen." Everyone gaped and some random lady turned on a TV and started watching a Madonna concert. TenTen had…well…mixed emotions. Disgust, love, confusion, and peppermint.

"You take a while to answer. Why are you so hesitant, my soon-to-be queen?" Neji asked.

"Well….you did turn evil, and you make-out with household objects every few minutes…" TenTen said, pondering his reply. Neji laughed like Santa Claus supposedly laughs.

"Is that all? I can stop that easy! The evil thing can't be helped, but the making out thing will be easy. So, what do you say, queen TenTen?" Everyone else was suddenly behind Neji making cut-throat motions and shaking their heads and making all the movement you make when you _don't _want someone to do something. Neji turned around and saw it.

"Do not influence her! She will make the decision herself." Neji said. He grabbed her around the waste. "Come, my beauty. I shall let you decide in my castle." Somehow, Neji and TenTen were both standing on a black platform just big enough so they have to hold each other to fit on it. Kakashi picked up this platform and ran with it on his back. Everyone else stared.

"Uh-oh…spaghetti Os…" Anko(whom randomly appeared) said.

**Sorry, I just LOVE NejixTenTen pairing. Sorry for taking a month or 2 to update, that's WAY too long. I was reading over my previous chapters a little, when I noticed something. This fic has become a little Neji-bashing. I never wanted that! I'm sorry if anyone thought I hate Neji, I really don't. Update…sometime…I guess. PLEASE review!! Arigato, minna!**


	14. TenTen and NejiFiances?

**A/N: And we're back! Well, let's get started.**

**Chapter 14**

**Neji and TenTen…Fiancees? **

The platform Neji and TenTen were on turned into a magic carpet. TenTen looked over the edge. She saw the Eifel Tower, the Hello Kitty Factory, and the Taj'Mhal. (spelled right?) She became very confused.

"Where are we, Neji?" she asked.

"Baconville, Canada." He said proudly. "This is the empire I rule. It's an _evil _empire." Kakashi, who was still carrying the carpet on his back, said,

"Yup! Evil, and leading in rotten dairy products!"

"See Neji, this is why I was hesitant. You're evil _and _insane. Those two don't go together very well." TenTen said.

"Wait, my soon-to-be queen. Wait until we are in my castle." Neji said.

"It's an _evil _castle." Kakashi said. As they came upon the castle, TenTen noticed that it looked like it was entirely made of melting cheese.

"Ick! I'm not going in there! We might be buried under all that cheese!" TenTen said, holding her stomach.

"Then what do you wish for it to be made out of?" Neji asked.

"Um…I dunno…stone?" she replied.

"Stone it shall be!" Kakashi said.

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

0!!!

The castle was now entirely made of stone. Kakashi set the carpet down near the front door.

"O.k., you've both achieved 5,000,000 frequent flyer miles. Thank you for flying Air Shitaki Mushroom Love!" Kakashi said like a flight attendant. TenTen and Neji walked inside.

"Well? What do you think, my fiancée?" Neji asked.

"It's pretty cool, but you are evil…" TenTen pondered.

"I have expanded basic cable." Neji said quickly.

"Really? Awesome!" TenTen said, excited. Neji got down on 1 knee and opened a small ring box. Inside it was a bra.

"Um…Neji? That's a bra." said TenTen.

"Yes. Yes it is. They were out of wedding rings. They said that wedding bras work just as well. But with wedding bras you cannot get divorced. You will be forever bound to me." There was a pause. TenTen remembered when Neji wasn't insane, and she had a crush on him.

_What's the difference from then and now? Well, now he's insane…but it was your childhood dream to marry him and have 4 little byakugan children…say yes! He's got expanded basic cable… _TenTen thought.

"Well? Will you marry me, TenTen?" Neji asked.

"…yes. Yes I'll marry you." TenTen replied. She took the wedding bra and held by a strap.

"Well? What are you waiting for? Put it on!" Neji said.

"In front of you?! Neji, even if we _are _getting married, we're still only 13!" TenTen argued.

"Alright, fine. You can go in another room to put it _on, _but you must come back and show it to me." Neji decided. TenTen walked into a nearby room. She came back, hold the shirt in front of her.

"Neji, are you sure your not just a pervert?" TenTen asked.

"TenTen! I only need to see it once to prove you put it on. Now show me." TenTen showed him.

"O.k., TenTen darling, you can put your shirt back on." Neji said. She quickly put it back on. "Alright, TenTen. Now that you will become TenTen Hyuga, we must spread the news. But that will be tomorrow. Today I will show you around the castle and we will do other stuff." Neji showed her all 200 rooms in 4 hours.

"Neji, I'm tired. How about we watch some of that expanded basic cable you were talking about?" TenTen asked, panting.

"But of course, my love. We will snuggle by the TV and watch a show of your choice." So they went to TV room #4(there are 10 TV rooms) and sat down on the couch. Neji grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around TenTen and himself. He turned on the TV.

"O.k. couples, this is how you should tell all your friends the good news that you will get married." Said the TV. "If one of you is the ruler of an evil empire, tell all your citizens the news from your balcony, and kiss your soon-to-be spouse in front of them. Then, throw a gorilla through a plate glass window." Neji changed the channel.

"This is QVV News, and we have a demented new story." blared the TV. "Kisame of the Akatsuki has 500 million clones, most of which were disguised as rabid Sasuke, Gaara, and Kakashi fan-girls. The rest were disguised as sea bass. And Kisame isn't done terrorizing society there. Earlier today, he went to an aquarium where specially breaded whore sea bass are breaded, and he made sweet, sweet love to them." Neji changed the channel.

"'IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME I'LL HAVE TO EAT YOUR PANTIES AGAIN!!!!!!

'NOT MY PANTIES!!!'" Neji turned off the TV.

"KAKASHI!!!!" Neji yelled. Kakashi jumped through the window. "Time for your entertainment to us." Kakashi sighed. He put 20 anchovies in his mouth. His lips anti-puckered until his head exploded. His body transformed into a potato and rolled away.

**A/N: More next time! The Kisame thing was from some messages Argles-chan and I sent back and forth. Tune in next time!**


	15. Edgar's MomCall ASS11

**A/N: I think Argles-chan and few others may be the only ones who read this crap anymore. And it took 100x too long to update. Well, enjoy.**

**Chapter 15**

**Edgar's Mom Ate the Sofa Again! Call ASS-1-1!!! **

Kakashi's potato body traveled the world. It saw the 7 wonders of the ancient world, all the important monuments, and even made out with 24 people, male and female. 333 were male, and 2 were female. Wait…nevermind. I'm not gonna say that that's incorrect math because math ate my cat and 2 of my friends cats and my other friends cockatoo.

MATH: Please forgive me, baby! I have secretly loved you for all these years!

Um… you already have a girlfriend.

MATH: That was then! I used to be dating Science and Grammar but they never truly—

Shut the hell up already! You are not in this fic!

_Math gets thrown in an abyss of craftsman style tables! Hey, I'm writing in italics! YAY, EDGAR!!_

So Neji stroked TenTen's face. Then he squished her cheeks together.

"Neji-kun, can I eat your shirt?"

"Rar, feisty, aren't we?"

"No, I'm just hungry. I skipped dinner and lunch and breakfast and the previous dinner but NOT desert because desert is my kitty." TenTen yelped.

_Gawd, Neji is rubbing off on me… _she thought

"Kakashi!" Neji yelled. Kakashi ran in. "Dance for us."

So Kakashi got on his gangstuh clothes and did a hiphip dance to White 'n Nerdy!

"Now get us something to eat!" Neji ordered.

Kakashi slumped. "But I wanted to do my ganstuh dance…"

"Too bad! Get us nourishment." TenTen said.

MEANWHILE…

Anko was doing a psycho dance.

"That's a stinky meatball." said Naruto.

"MAMA??!" Anko replied. She jumped on Naruto and ripped off his shirt.

"Ew." Sakura said.

NO!! Sakura will not be alive in my fic!

Sakura committed seppuku. She was just too stupid. Hooray!

Sasuke stood there.

_I'm high…_ he thought. _Pot is goooood…_

"Maybe we should do something about TenTen and Neji." Ino said.

There was a pause.

"I love you." Shikamaru said. They made out for a while.

"Eeew!!! That's weird!!!" Konohamaru screamed.

Anko ran and threw Konohamaru in a pit of babies! Yay, babies! I eat babies…

But suddenly, Narutina ran to where all these people were, in a pink gown with yellow petticoats and sky-blue stilettos!

"Hotty hot hot hottity hot mama!" Shino screamed. Shino was suddenly in a princely outfit made of cheese. A white stallion appeared, and Narutina and Shino galloped away. Suddenly, the horse bucked both of them back toward the group.

"Alright," said Naruto, who'd just transformed back to his male self. "Let's get TenTen away from Neji's evil clutches!"

"I'll help!" came a strange voice. Everyone turned.

There stood Deidara, wearing tight black leather pants, a purple sequence top, and 2-inch high-heeled shoes. He seemed to be wearing makeup as well.

"I am Deidara, the wonderful, fantabulous, spectacular-"

"Gay guy." Anko finished.

Deidara paused. "How'd you know?"

"Well for one thing, you looked ridiculously feminine." Kurenai stated.

"And you totally had a thing for Sasori," Itachi added. He'd followed Deidara there.

"How do you know?" questioned Deidara.

"I saw you two making out in Orochimaru's bedroom." Itachi stated blandly.

"Are you sure it wasn't Orochimaru and Kabuto?" Deidara asked.

"It was all 4 of you. At the same time." Itachi grimaced.

"Shut up! You and Kisame are dating!" Deidara revealed.

Itachi looked sheepish.

"Anyway, let's get to business!" Deidara insisted.

"But what will we do?" questioned Kiba in a corny way.

"We'll call ASS-1-1!!" Deidara announced.

Itachi pulled a strange hat out of his Akatsuki robe. He then pulled a rabid wolf out of the hat. And a telephone out it's butt. He handed the purple phone to Deidara.

"Hello, operator?" Deidara said. "Give me the number for…wait, what?…Yes it's me, Deidara…no, I'm not calling for Victoria's Secret…alright…give me the number for ASS-1-1!!"

The phone began vibrating and turned into a giant potato that everyone got onto. The potato then grew fish fins and chicken legs. And it began to fly.

Cacapoo…

So they flew and flew until they reached Neji's castle. Then they stopped to eat some chicken Hooray! They attack at dawn…

**A/N: Please just review. This fic will be over soon.**


	16. The End of a Soggy Saga

**A/N: I've decided that this will be that last chapter. The final chapter of my first fic….-sigh-…PLEASE REVIEW FOR THE SAKE OF GOD!!!!**

**Chapter 16**

**The End of a Soggy Saga**

Dawn came, and the party of idiot attacked the castle!

Neji awoke in the same bed as TenTen…and Kakashi?

"Why are you here?" Neji asked.

"I don't like sleeping in my room. The evil monkey in my closet scared me," Kakashi said.

"That's stupid," said the now awake TenTen.

The evil monkey peeked around the corner and pointed his finger at Kakashi. Kakashi cowered in fear. (You'd get that if you watch Family Guy)

Suddenly, the castle exploded. Neji, TenTen, and Kakashi came out of the rubbled.

"What the hell was that about?" Neji asked no-one in particular.

"I did A MATH PROBLEM!!!" Naruto screamed.

Neji gasped. "How did you know? The educational system was the castle's only weakness!

So everything went back to normal, as far as normal goes.

EPILOUGE

Naruto Uzumaki became hokage, and in the process murdered 3 midgets and 10 oversized people. He married Hinata and had 2.5 children. (don't ask)

Sakura Haruno is a dumbass. She died.

Sasuke Uchiha married a bear named Cassandra and tried to have children, but just became strange single(divorced?) guy who has an addiction to bestiality and crack. However, he did kill Itachi. That'll be explained under Itachi's paragraph.

Hinata Hyuuga became Hinata Uzumaki and had 2.5 children. During that time, she got revenge on Neji by dipping him in a pool of fangirls.

Kiba Inuzuka stayed single. He became a marriage counselor for humans and a mate counselor for dogs. Akamaru stayed his companion.

Shino Aburame never got to marry Narutina, who mysteriously disappeared, but he got over his love for her and married…Kira Knightly?

Rock Lee kicks ass. He is so awesome he barely appeared in this story so I didn't have to make fun of him. He spat in Sakura's face and married my OC.

Neji Hyuuga married TenTen and had 20 kids. He became the supreme overlord of cupcakes and got politics.

TenTen married Neji and had 20 kids. Being the wife of the supreme overlord of cupcakes is a do-nothing job, so she spent her days laying around eating and occasionally working out.

Shikamaru Nara married Ino and had 3 kids.

Ino Yamanaka married Shikamaru and became Ino Nara and had 3 kids.

Choji Akimichi married a bag of potato chips. Unfortunately, he ate them the day they married, so he stuck to quick relationships.

Everyone else lived happily ever after!

THE END

**A/N: Goodbye, everyone. Please review.**


End file.
